


Welcome To The Nuthouse

by some_mighty_fine_print



Category: The Young Ones (TV 1982)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 04:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6642097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_mighty_fine_print/pseuds/some_mighty_fine_print





	1. Pea Soup

**_Chapter 1 – Pea Soup_ **

The clouds covered the sun as Rik sat at the kitchen table contemplating how he could possibly kill Neil and not get caught. Rik didn’t care about anything Neil said, or did for that matter! He should write a poem. Yes! A wonderful… _angry_ poem; telling of just how completely boring and… and… ‘Hippy-ish’ Neil was.

Rik jumped, his search for a biro to write with halted, as Vyvyan smashed through the front window on a bicycle and Mike walked through the back door.

“Mike, the cool person in this series, walks through the door and says ‘hi’ to the first person he sees…” Mike said, pausing in narrating his own life as he glanced about the room. “Hey Vyvyan.”

Vyvyan stopped, looking up from the pile of destruction around him, to look at Mike momentarily. “Hello Mike.” Vyvyan replied before going back to his pile of destruction and attempting to put the, now disassembled bike, back together.

“Now _really_ Vyvyan, do you _really_ think it will do _any_ good?” Rik scoffed in his ‘so stupid it’s cool’ voice. “I mean, you smash your way in here… on a bicycle…and expect both the window _and_ the bicycle to survive!”

“Rik,” Vyvyan refused to look up from his work, but his tone held all the annoyance he needed to make his point. “ _Shutup._ ”

“Ha!” Rik said loudly, bending forward momentarily as he took a step towards Vyvyan then stood straight again. “Well, that’s where you’ve failed…because I _won’t_ shutup! Because I’m smarter and can always beat someone like you at anything!”

“Someone like me?” Vyvyan asked, only half listening.

“An idiot!” Rik replied with a snort.

Vyvyan smirked slightly. “Well, it’s better than being a nancy-boy who’s so much of a girly swat that he probably doesn’t even have-”

“You stop right there Vyvyan!” Rik yelled at his destructive housemate. “How dare you imply that I haven’t got any equipment!”

“ _Actually_ ,” Vyvyan frowned for a moment before smiling meanly. “I was going to say _‘a girlfriend’_ , but your scenario is more likely I’ve realised…” he paused, bowing his head as he added sarcastically. “I’m sorry.”

“And so you bloody well should…be…” Rik’s eyes widened as he realised Vyvyan had used his own words to insult him. “You bastard!”

“Alright guys, settle down…oh, cool how you didn’t use the front door Vyvyan… _again_.” Neil huffed as he walked into the kitchen area briefly. “We have to pay for a new window again now.”

“Well, at least I’m original.” Vyvyan shrugged.

“Oh… right on.” Neil nodded before heading away again.

“Hang on a minute!” Rik narrowed his eyes at Neil. “I thought you went out to study… what are you doing back so soon?” he pointed at the floor in a ‘tantrum-esque’ fashion. “I _demand_ to know!”

“Ah…well… I _was_ going to study away from everyone… but then I bumped into one of my friends from my philosophy lecture and she asked if we could study together… but it was too noisy at the library…so we came back.” Neil looked at Rik and then at Vyvyan. “And I don’t care if that’s okay with you, Rik.”

“Well I think you bloody should care if-” Rik trailed off, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head, as a young, female student stepped out from behind Neil. “Bloody hell!”

“Sorry if I’m bothering you…” she made an apologetic face at him. “We’ll not make much noise.”

“They all say that,” Mike sauntered over to the girl, laying a hand on her arm. “Until they meet me.”

The girl removed his hand from her arm with two fingers, as if it were something disgusting. “No _thankyou_ … I’m not into egotistical fuckwits.” She looked at Neil. “We should really prep for that test.”

“Well, _of course_ you’d say that! Studying for tests is for girly swats…not us _hard men_!” Rik snorted rocking back on his heels and nodding to himself.

“Oh, you’re hard are you?” the girl raised an eyebrow at him, eyeing his crotch momentarily. “Must be damned tiny…didn’t even leave a dent.” Rik glared daggers at the girl as Vyvyan laughed. “And, I _am_ a girl… didn’t think I was a swat, but there you have it. Straight from the sociology students mouth… not that _that_ gives it any weight.”

“Let’s go Skye, they’ll just try to rile you more.” Neil droned, then added excitedly. “Plus, I wanted to show you my new collection of spittoons!”

“Right on,” the girl, now identified as _Skye_ , smiled and pulled a small packet from her pocket. “And I’ve got some good stuff for later after we’ve studied.”

“Now just hang on one _cotton-picking moment_ ,” Rik all but shouted as the pair made towards the stairs. “Neil,” Rik pursed his lips as he stormed over to his friend and snatched the packet from her hand. “Is your _friend_ here… bringing contraband into the house?”

“No…it’s not contraband, Rik…it’s just pot.” Neil frowned, not understanding.

“Plus, it’s not illegal if you don’t get caught.” Skye smirked as she took the small packet back from Rik, putting on a fake sultry smile as she trailed her finger down Rik’s red tie. “I wouldn’t have thought a little bit of this would’ve bothered a _cool guy_ like you.”

Rik’s ego inflated and he put on his best, saucy smile as he looked at his nails. “Well,” Rik clucked his tongue to show how chuffed he was at her calling him ‘cool’. “It’s just how a guy like me rolls, ya know?” he frowned. “But _drugs_ are something we don’t permit in this house, are they Vyvyan?”

“Whataya mean? I perfectly fine with the whole dang lot of them.” Vyvyan looked past Rik to Skye. “You smoke what you like, love… might get the name of your dealer later so I can beat him up for free weed though.”

“You won’t have to, he only charges twits.” Skye gestured subtly to Rik and Vyvyan laughed.

Vyvyan looked from Skye to Neil and nodded. “Alright, I like her… you can keep this one Neil.”

“Oh, err, thanks Vyv…” Neil frowned.

“Hang on, hang on!” Rik shouted suddenly, drawing everyone’s attention. “I’m being _deliberately_ left out of the conversation!” Rik looked back at Skye. “Am I not good enough for you lot? Is your breeding higher than mine?”

“Depends, where were you born?” Skye asked.

“South Hampton.” Rik replied, frowning.

“Then yes, I was bred higher than you.” Skye replied with a shrug.

“So, what? I’m one of those stupid people we’ve got too many of?!” Rik demanded, but Skye remained unfazed.

“Yes, the problem with the gene pool is _that there’s no life guard_.” Skye sniggered.

Neil looked confused. “Um, not that discussing Rik’s gene pool isn’t interesting, Skye… but-”

“I don’t know why she bothers discussing anything with _you_ , Neil!” Rik snorted. “I wouldn’t even discuss the colour of _orange juice_ with you, _Neil_.”

“I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe…” Skye sighed incredulously, looking back at Neil and pointing to the stairs. “Should we?”

“Err… yes, studying, upstairs…” Neil nodded.

“Yes… that way.” Skye smirked as she pointed towards the stairs and gave Neil a gentle shove in their direction.

“Do you really think I’m going to let you get away _that easily_?” Rik snapped, grabbing Skye’s shoulder and turning her back to face him.

“Yes.” Skye ventured, leaning in close and putting on her ‘serious face’. “What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?” Skye asked Rik, hoping to distract him… it worked.

“I dunno…” Rik frowned.

“Anyone can roast beef.” Skye deadpanned before pointing towards the stairs and running up them after Neil.

“What?” Rik frowned for a moment, then jumped excitedly. “Oh! I get it!”

“Yeah, no one can pee _soup_.” Vyvyan deadpanned.

“Wait…” Rik spun around frantically. “She’s gone!”

“Well of course she’s gone, Rik.” Vyvyan shouted. “She’s smarter than you!”

Rik turned around and glared at the stairs. “ _Bastard!_ ”


	2. Apathetic Sociopath

**_Chapter 2 – Apathetic Sociopath_ **

Rik paused on his way past Neil’s bedroom door, poking his head in when he saw it standing wide open; smirking briefly as he saw Neil and Skye bent over their books as they sat, cross-legged, on Neil’s bed… a joint between Skye’s fingers as she wrote notes.

“I thought you said that was for after?” Rik pulled a disgusted face as he leant on the doorframe and folded his arms across his chest.

“What was?” Neil looked up, jumping slightly at the sound of Rik’s voice before looking at Skye. “Oh, yeah, Skye…”

“Mmm?” Skye looked up, seemingly lost in thought.

“You know you could set fire to Neil’s bed doing that there.” Rik huffed, then smiled wickedly. “Actually… go right ahead! The smoke might get rid of the smell of linseed oil!”

“That was an accident, Rik… and besides, that dirty laundry was hassling me.” Neil frowned.

“Did I make a wrong turn ad end up in an insane asylum?” Skye asked, raising one eyebrow at the guys as she took another drag from the joint before passing it to Neil. “Here… get that down ya.”

“Oh, yeah… thanks Skye.” Neil nodded as he took the joint and put it to his lips, breathing in deeply; his eyes turning in towards his nose as he handed Skye the joint again before preceding to float up into the air and out the window.

“Okay…” Skye trailed off before relighting the joint again. “So _that_ happened.”

Rik looked up out of the window. “Well, that sets new standards for the term _‘getting high’_ …”

“I’ll say…” Skye chuckled as she took another drag. “Man, I thought _I_ was baked… but, Neil beats me every time!”

Rik huffed as he stepped away from the window. “Well? Is he ever gonna come back down? Or shall we raise the rent by a third?”

Skye waved away his comment with a lazy hand. “Give it a minute…” she leant back against the metal head of the bed and pushed her notebook away as she fumbled in her pocket and pulled out a lighter. “So… Rik, wasn’t it? What brings you in here?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise the Gustapo were in today!” Rik snapped. “Besides, I don’t see what business it is of yours when and why I come into Neil’s bedroom!”

“Oh, I see…” Skye frowned, looking away as she nodded to herself. “You’re in love with him… would explain the animosity you have towards him-”

“Oh, God, _NO_!” Rik shouted at the top of his lungs, hands held out defensively in front of him. “I wouldn’t share an _orange_ with Neil… let alone _feelings_!”

“Hmm…” Skye frowned, cocking her head to one side as she looked Rik over briefly.

“Any anyway… I don’t see why Neil would associate with someone as sociopathic as _you_ …” Rik scoffed. “Bloody Hippie.”

“If I’m a sociopath, Rik… aren’t you worried I might kill you for knowing that?” Skye raised an eyebrow at Rik as she stood and slowly made her way towards him, her expression turning smug when she saw him pale; his back now against the wall…and she laughed. “Calm down, Rik…” she chuckled darkly. “I’m an apathetic sociopath…I’d kill you if I _cared_.” Skye smirked as Rik tugged at his collar nervously; her smile turning wicked as she leant towards him to whisper. “And _I don’t care_ …”

The pair stared at each other for a moment before they heard a _thump_ and both turned to see Neil slumped over on the floor by the window. “Wow man… that was, like, _way_ high!”

“And you only had _one_ drag.” Skye smirked as she and Neil retook their places on his bed and she handed him the joint and the lighter. “Let’s see how high you get… from the second.”

“What about the test?” Neil asked as he took another drag from the joint and lay back on the bed amongst his notes.

“We’re Philosophy students Rik,” Skye smirked as she looked over at Rik. “We don’t really _care_ about tests…”

***

“You don’t really feel like a _‘Hippie’_.” Mike cocked his head to one side as he looked Skye over.

“How do you know what she feels like?!” Rik demanded, pointing a finger in Mike’s face.

Skye scoffed. “He doesn’t.”

“More to the point,” Vyvyan raised an eyebrow at his flatmate. “Why are you so pissed off that he _might_?”

Skye saw Rik look off to one side, carefully thinking out his answer. “I just think it’s disgusting… objectifying women… who wants to be a sex object?! A sex object is a thing…” he paused for a moment, looking at Skye very briefly before shrugging and looking away to bite his nails. “Who would want to be a _thing_?”

“Aww,” Skye smiled, clapping Rik on the shoulder as she walked past him. “Seems like you’ve got a little feminist in you Rik… not surprising with you being a Sociology student and all…”

“And what? I must immediately be sexist because I am a _man_?!”

“That’s pushing it…” Skye muttered as Rik continued his little rant.

“And…and… and the morals dilemmas of _right_ and _wrong_ … Religion is the equaliser… oh! Sprinkle some Holy Water on it and make it _pure_!”

Skye smirked past her own frown. “What’s religion got to do with this?”

“I…” Rik began loudly, then trailed off when he realised he didn’t have an answer for her.

Vyvyan looked up at that, frowning. “How do you get ‘Holy Water’?”

Skye smirked as they all shrugged. “You boil the Hell out of it.”

“Oh, _har har_!” Rik sneered, bending forward slightly as he spoke.

“Oi, Vyvyan, you seen my golf clubs?” Mike suddenly asked quite loudly, wanting the attention on him again.

“Ah…” Vyvyan smiled nervously. “Nope.”

“What do you mean _‘nope’_?” Mike continued his search, voice still unnecessarily loud.

“Nope as in… _nope_!” Vyvyan held up his hands in a dismissive gesture; smirking when he saw Skye notice him kick Mike’s golf clubs behind the sofa.

“What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky-diver?” Skye asked, smirking back at Vyvyan.

“What?” Vyvyan asked, pulling a face as he thought.

“A bad golfer goes: _whack_ “Dang.”… A bad sky-diver goes: “Dang…” _whack!_ ” Skye grinned as she walked off, leaving Vyvyan to ponder.

Vyvyan looked at the invisible audience watching it all transpire, snorting as he saw the look on Rik’s face. “What? Did you not get it Mister Smarty-pants girly swat McGee?”

“No, I got it…” Rik glowered back at Vyvyan before glancing sideways at Skye. “I just didn’t find it very funny…”

“Oh, don’t worry, Rik,” Skye smiled as she gave Rik a gentle shove. “Vyv and I’ll make you laugh eventually.”

“Ha!” Vyvyan let out a short exclamation. “Fat chance of that.”

“True.” Skye snickered. “Have you seen the size of your trousers?”

Vyvyan narrowed his eyes at her, trying to figure out the joke when Rik sniggered. Finally, he gave up. “Oh? Siding with the poof now, are we?”

“Oh, I doubt Rik’s gay, Vyv.” Skye smirked as she saw Neil come down the stairs.

“Skye! I think I just figured out the answer you gave for the short essay…” he looked completely blown away as they all stared at him. “Yeah, I was reading it… and then… Boomshanka!”

“Boomshanka indeed, Neil!” Skye chuckled, smacking Rik’s backside as she walked past to go back to her studying with Neil; casting a glance over her shoulder to spy Rik watching her with lidded eyes and smiling wickedly. “ _Boomshanka_ indeed…”


	3. The Silent ‘P’

**_Chapter 3 – The Silent ‘P’_ **

Skye wrinkled her nose as they sat down in the café for a bite to eat. “So cliché…”

“What? Not good enough for you?” Rik snorted. “Why don’t you order a _flat white_ and make it official?”

“The only flat white I see in here is you.” Snapped back, silently pleased when she saw Rik glare at her out of the corner of her eye.

“Hypocrite.” Rik huffed, smiling meanly as he continued. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”

“And artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.” Skye replied smugly.

“Excuse me…are you all ready to order?” an exasperated female voice interrupted Skye and Rik’s bickering.

Rik smiled creepily as he looked the waitress who’d spoken up and down. “I say… that’s a _smashing_ blouse you’ve got on…”

“It’s a dress.” The waitress sighed tiredly. “Your orders?”

“Oh, so my compliments not good enough, eh? Couldn’t just take the compliment, give us some food…maybe wink at me to come back there and...” he tapered off at the end, seemingly lost for an ending to his sentence.

"Give him oral sex?" Skye snickered quietly into her hands at how unlikely that would be to actually happen...but apparently Rik heard her. Or, at least, partially heard her.

"What about her and oral sex?!"

The waitress slapped Rik, storming off as she hissed. “Sexist pig!”

“What did I say?!" Rik glowered, rubbing the side of his face. "She’s one of those rabid feminists!”

“No…” Skye leant back in her chair. “She refused to make your coffee… _because_ you’re being a prick.”

“No, no,” Vyvyan held up his hands to correct her. “The _‘p’_ is silent.”

Sky frowned at Vyvyan for a moment and then laughed. “Oh! I see!”

“Oh, _har har_.” Rik sneered, slumping back into his chair in a huff. “Yes, we’ve established I’m an enormous nob, now can we _please_ order?!”

“You know,” Skye leant back in her seat as she motioned to another waitress to come take their order. “There’s a Japanese legend that says… if you _shut the fuck up_ you wouldn’t be so damned annoying.” She smirked as Rik visibly bristled, but held up a finger to silence him as the waitress arrived at their table. “And now…to order…” she smiled up at the waitress before looking smugly back at Rik. “I’ll have a flat white.”

And Rik’s jaw dropped.

***

“I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘guess’ written on it, so I said ‘implants?’.” Vyvyan’s expression fell. “She hit me… and I’ve still _no idea_ why!”

“Perhaps she was offended because they were actually real.” Neil droned.

“What were real?” Rik asked, scrunching his nose up and smiling like he was ‘in’ on the conversation already.

“Of course, you wouldn’t know because you’ve never seen any.” Vyvyan sniggered.

“I wouldn’t say that’s entirely true, Vyv.” Skye smirked, shrugging when they all looked at her. “I’m sure he’s seen loads… just not any that weren’t covered.”

“That’s the majority of what most blokes see.” Mike agreed with a nod, then smiled at the camera. “Unless you’re me.”

“Not true, I see bare breasts all the time, Mike.” Neil replied in monotone, not looking at anyone.

Mike laughed a single, silent laugh. “Really, Neil?”

“Well, yeah… I’m the one who makes the tea, so I see chicken breasts all the time when I’m filleting them, Mike.” Neil nodded, looking confused that his answer hadn’t been obvious already.

“You fillet _fish_ , Neil!” Rik snapped, annoyed at his housemates wrong use of language. “Not chicken breasts.”

“And yet, _chicken fillets_ somehow…” Skye raised her hands in an overly dramatic confused gesture. “ _Exist!_ ”

“My, you’re persistent.” Mike smiled cheekily over the table at her, and Skye felt a foot slide up her leg.

“Yes, now, why don’t you go douse yourself in pesticide,” she smiled evilly at him as she kicked his shin. “And go do something involving _flames_.”

Vyvyan chose this moment to look up and frown. “What’s pesticide?”

Skye simply smirked at Neil, sharing an inside joke before answering with a straight face. “When a housefly makes a beeline into a ceiling fan…”

Rik snort laughed. “Oh, and I suppose you think that’s very clever, don’t you?!”

“Yes, actually.” Skye smiled back in confusion. “To be honest, I didn’t think you’d get it, Rik.”

“Well, then I suppose I’ve surprised you then!” Rik gave her and over-exaggerated nod. “You won’t be underestimating _my_ intelligence again anytime soon!”

“That depends.” Skye smirked as she looked over his figure and snickered.

“On what?” Rik asked, pleased she was looking solely at him for once.

Skye leant back in her seat, and steepled her hands in front of her. “On whether or not you fix your fly and stop flashing everyone your three day old tidy-widey’s!”

“Bastard!” Rik scrambled to right his clothes before more than his friends saw his underwear.

“You act like no one’s ever seen your underwear before.” Skye bit her lip as she smiled at him.

“Because they haven’t!” Rik snapped.

“So, you’ve never had a girl then!” Vyvyan pointed at Rik accusingly. “Rik’s still a virgin! We have proof!”

“No! No.” Rik calmed himself, thinking of a way out.

“Oh, yeah, then how come no one’s ever seen your _underwear_ , let alone _in the nude_?” Vyvyan sneered.

“Because… because…” Rik rummaged around in his head for a plausible answer for a moment, looking overly smug when he finally looked back at Vyvyan. “Because, Vyvyan, I make love… _in the dark_.”

“How do you see where it’s going?” Vyvyan frowned.

“What do you mean?” Rik frowned right back.

“Well, yours is so small I would’ve thought you’d need light to see where to-” Vyvyan reasoned calmly before Rik cut him off finally with a scream.

“There is nothing wrong with my penis!”

And, thus, they were all thrown out of the café…


End file.
